


At the edge of doubt

by lloydsglasses



Series: And there's a storm in every bottle of wine [4]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, Gen, Gender Issues, Queerplatonic Relationships, Trans Character, Transitioning, fem!Thorin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2015-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-04 13:54:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4140240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lloydsglasses/pseuds/lloydsglasses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some days she spends so much time around people who think she’s someone else that it becomes hard to remember who she truly is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At the edge of doubt

**Author's Note:**

> Taking this opportunity to reiterate that [tosquinha did some art](http://tosquinha.tumblr.com/post/118618295982/tosquinha-ill-just-marry-that-transman-bilbo) and it's really sweet, so y'all should definitely check that out!

In all honesty Thorin is not sure how Bilbo manages it. It should come naturally really, because Thorin knows with every fibre of her being that she is female, and yet she still struggles to get it right sometimes. This is entirely about her, but Bilbo is the one who never seems to slip up; Thorin is always ‘queen’ when they’re in private, and when they’re not he seems to avoid making references to gender as much as he possibly can.

In her own head it’s another matter. Every morning she spends a few minutes reciting information – _Thorin Oakenshield is the Queen of Erebor and she is 197 years old. She has two nephews called Fíli and Kíli and her sister is called Dís_ – but it’s hard to know if it really makes a difference when she spends most of her time with people who call her _King Thorin_ and _His Majesty_. It probably doesn’t help that she’s frightened of making a mistake in public; part of her believes that if she gets too used to being _Queen Thorin_ she might end up accidentally correcting a counsellor or a petitioner some day, and she doesn’t want to even think about the awkward explaining and potential disgrace that would lead to.

At times Thorin wishes that she had the courage to correct them, because it’s so wearying to wake up in the morning knowing that she has to be a ‘he’ again, as soon as she leaves her rooms. Some days she spends so much time around people who think she’s someone else that it becomes hard to remember who she truly is. It’s not that she forgets she’s female, it’s more like she gets called ‘he’ and ‘King’ so often that it feels as though a wall has steadily been constructed, cutting Thorin off from herself. Those are the times when she tends to slip up most frequently; she’ll catch herself using ‘he’ in the privacy of her own head and suddenly realise how jarring it is, how disconnected she feels from herself.

It’s hard to understand how Bilbo seems to have so little trouble with it. He gets it right almost without exception and Thorin thinks she might be a bit jealous – which is ridiculous really – but she also cherishes it more than anything. She notices everything nowadays, every single term that people use to refer to her, and it still feels like a revelation to hear Bilbo call her _Queen_. She once accidentally overheard him and Dwalin in conversation, and when Thorin’s name cropped up Bilbo referred to her as ‘she’ so casually that it had taken her breath away. He’s so perfect that sometimes it makes her heart clench.

“Tell me about hobbits,” she asks him, as they lie together on Bilbo’s bed. Thorin likes listening to him talk about the Shire; she likes listening to him talk about anything really, but feels most at peace when he’s describing rolling green hills and quaint family picnics. Not so long ago she would have rolled her eyes at such talk, would have dismissed not just Bilbo but his entire race as naïve and sheltered. But it’s a comfort now, knowing that there are still places of peace and plenty which lie untouched by the evils of the world.

Sometimes she feels guilty about keeping Bilbo from the home that he so clearly loves, but it’s hard to properly regret it when they are together like this. She can feel him speaking, his voice a pleasant rumble against her shoulder as she holds him close; he is small, and Thorin adores the way he fits neatly against her larger body, likes being able to tuck him under her arm and bury her nose in his curls.

“What would you like to know today?”

She thinks for a moment, before settling on a topic that surprisingly hasn’t been broached in much detail since their initial conversation in Laketown. “Tell me about hobbits who have changed genders.”

In her own mind she sometimes toys with the possibility of visiting the Shire. Thorin hasn’t mentioned it to Bilbo, but she dearly wants to meet someone else who’s like her. Another dwarf ideally, but she knows that would be somewhat difficult – not to mention dangerous.

Bilbo hesitates a little. “I’m not really an expert, you know. It wasn’t something I ever actively kept track of.”

And this is part of why he amazes her. Thorin doesn’t know how Bilbo manages to call her ‘she’ so effortlessly when he claims to have never really thought about these kinds of issues. She’s spent her whole life thinking about them and she still has trouble getting it right.

“Tell me whatever you do know,” she insists.

“Well,” he says slowly, “other than my uncle I didn’t personally know anyone else like that.” There is a short silence as Bilbo considers. “I never really asked Hildibrand what it was like to be mistaken for a girl when he was younger. It didn’t seem polite.” Thorin marvels at his casual acceptance; it shouldn’t be surprising, after how easily Bilbo accepted _her_ , but hearing him state it so matter-of-factly fills her with a warmth that runs through to the very core of her being. 

“Although,” Bilbo continues, “when I was a child I once met someone in Michel Delving who told me they weren’t a boy or a girl.”

Thorin frowns. “Neither?” she asks, though Bilbo’s hum of confirmation does little to clarify anything. “You can be neither?”

“Apparently.” He shifts a little, turning his face further into her shoulder. “I was buying fish from them, and called them ‘Miss’ by mistake. They were very nice about it. Didn’t get upset or anything, just asked me not to use that word because it made them feel uncomfortable.”

It makes sense, Thorin supposes. She’s always experienced at least mild discomfort when anyone calls her ‘he’ – is it really so farfetched for someone to feel uncomfortable with both ‘he’ and ‘she’? 

“Do you think there are dwarves like that?” she asks, wondering whether it would have been less or more confusing to feel like she was neither male nor female.

Bilbo shrugs minutely. “Maybe. I don’t really know. Everyone is different.”

That’s true enough, Thorin thinks. She holds him a little tighter, contemplating how lucky she is that Bilbo accepts her own difference so effortlessly. When the door at Bag End had opened (so long ago, now) to reveal a bobbing, nervous little fellow she never would have imagined that such a fussy creature could be of any value to her whatsoever. But it didn’t take too long for him to prove her wrong, and Thorin’s so thankful for his bravery, his determination and his easygoing acceptance; she owes him _so much_ and she’s wishes she knew how to put it into words.

Thorin isn’t really jealous of him, she supposes, because it’s not a competition. It’s her life – _their_ life – and Bilbo is exactly what she needs. She isn’t sure how he manages everything so well, isn’t sure how he is able to slip effortlessly into the correct pronouns and titles when she can’t even manage to do that in her own head; no, there’s a lot she isn’t sure about, but as they lie together like that on the bed, legs entangled and arms wrapped securely around one another, Thorin thinks that with time Bilbo will be able to help her figure it out.

**Author's Note:**

> So I started out trying to write a ficlet about pronouns and transitioning, but it kind of ended up just being a bit schmoopy...
> 
> Also I thoroughly excited myself when I started writing about non-binary hobbits. ^_^
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr!](http://lloydsglasses.tumblr.com) :)


End file.
